Robot Ninja Whores (And sometimes Pirates and Zombies, ZOMG!!!111shift1)

Condoleeza Rice is a definite Bush administration whore. Whatever your opinion of the Bush Administration, be it good or bad, you cannot be blind to Iraq and the increasing threat of terrorism. But wait? How can this be? I thought we were making headway into thwarting terrorism! I hate to break it to you, but terrorism is like a non-evaporative liquid that just stays around like an unwanted houseguest. They don’t quit. They will never quit. The only way to deal with terrorism is to thwart their ideals through education, not force. We can’t even begin to educate people when we’re fighting an insurgency which the rest of the world thinks is doing no good.

Then again, why should we care? We’re the United States of America. I’ll tell you why we should care, we aren’t arrogant pricks. You are. Bush Administration lackey’s. We cherish our freedom, that which can be taken away by our powerful government at many moment. But we cherish our way of life even more. It is not to be disrupted by the powers in office that think they know better than us. We are the government. And when this government is no by-the-people, it is by 50% or even 51%.

New republican election reforms aim to suppress voter turnout according to democrats. These reforms require identification to vote. Democrats are idiots when believing that minorities and the elderly aren’t capable to produce identification, however, it is likely that some of the laws require too much, such as proof of citizenship. Hell, I don’t even have proof of citizenship. The republicans are even bigger idiots because they say documentation will prevent voter fraud. Election law officials cite the most common and prevailent voter fraud is through absentee balloting, which if I recall my general atomic theory, doesn’t require you to produce identification at a polling place.

So who’s the bigger fool? We will never know. Just like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Toll Tootsie Pop.

People don’t like to be fooled, but people are stupid. They can’t help it. When I first saw LonelyGirl15, I said to myself, she’s effin’ hot! She’s 15? There’s no effin’ way. And I questioned the veracity of the “video blog.” The video editing was pretty damn good for a 15 year old (or her genius boyfriend). I never thought it was a publicity stunt by hollywood bastards though… HOW DARE THEY! Besides, that was my idea first! Take a person, hype them up through 100s of message boards, and help them win Last Comic Standing.  I just never had the money or, you know, interest. (By the way, check out Heroes of Sunnydale. They’re an amazing band and they’re real.) So bree now feals the wrath of the internet and YouTube.com. Many parodies and jokes fill the broadwaves, but the publicity stunt worked. When everyone knows about it… it worked.
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Our prayers have been answered! A ninja film short that everyone can relate to! Our friends at RetroBlast! found a short film created by some ninja-hating bastard from the 5th dimension. The film is a Capcom/Midway cross-over featuring ass-kicking Street Fighter against the soul stealing bastards of Mortal Combat. And they do steal souls, as well as quarters. Both were lost when I was 14. Also my virginity, but that’s another story about the Catholic priesthood you don’t need to know.

Ass Kicking Goodness

(Click below to review spoilers)

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Yesterday there were quite a few news bytes about Apple. Today, there are quite a few news bytes about Microsoft. Blah. I’m a Gizmodo whore. And as much as I love my Powerbook G4, I don’t need to be reminded about how I am spending thousands of dollars to have my software and hardware obsolete within months by Apple; as cool as the software and hardware may be.

Today on Gizmodo, a user comments:

Ok, the Apple news was annoying, but substituting Apple with some other company is not a freak’n improvement. If you post more than two times for the same company in one day it better be news like “Microsoft resurects Jesus and brings second coming!” and “Microsoft moves headquarters to moon” and “Microsoft enters porn industry!” not: “A new mouse! yeay!” unless the mouse is some how connected to the porn announcement.

Agreed. I whore myself out to Gizmodo daily. That makes me a whore… probably.

Gizmodo Loves Their Mice

Gary Weddle, a teacher from Ephrata, Washington, has declared that he will not shave until Bin Laden is caught. He decided this a week after September 11th, 2001, being rapt in the daily news events after the attack and forgetting to shave for an entire week.

Mr. Weddle is definitely a whore of democracy, which we here at RNW fully support.

In future news: MAN SHOT DEAD, THOUGHT TO BE TERRORIST

ZZ Top Tryouts

Jim Morrison really is a ninja. He was sneaky, aloof, and loves to wear black. Hell, he even supposedly “died” to get away from the crowds and work on bettering his badass ninja techniques. It’s a shame to see non-ninjas like Perry Farrell (formerly of Jane’s Addiction) covering a classis Doors piece: “Light My Fire”. Not cool.

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I honestly don’t know what this website is talking about, but this news bit is pretty awesome. Our friends over at RetroBlast! wrote an article about everyone’s favorite second grade activity: dioramas!

Tron, one of the best games and movies ever, involves robots of the electronic and villiany kind (MCP aka Master Control Program) and lightcycles and operators who magically appear in the system as little guys in blue, glowy suits. I prefer to think of them as ninjas in a computer because they throw shit and get all crazy.

The website seems to sell kits to make your own Tron diorama. I don’t speak or read German, nor do I care to try to translate the page because I am very lazy.

Check out the good times

This photo features Nomad, a killer robot from space.

Motivational posters for your home or office

The ninja, of Ask a Ninja fame is a badass motherfucker. He enjoys killing you; in fact he’s looking forward to killing you soon. But he’s cool about his killing, he’s funny about it, and he knows how much pirates suck. In his review of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest [warning: youtube video], he tells it like it is:

• “…everybody was a pirate. Everybody. If you were in the first movie and weren’t a pirate, you’re now a pirate in this movie. Everybody gets to be a pirate.”

• “The only thing to which there are more than pirates in this movie are plotlines… if you’re a dog you get a plotline… if you’re a ship you get a plotline… the ocean gets a plotline… if you’re just a single body part a lot of the times you get your own plotline; like an eye or a heart or something… literally the last line of the movie is a new plotline. It’s a never ending story without a Luck Dragon.”

• “…if you don’t know Keira Knightly, she’s a slightly more mannish version of Orlando Bloom.”

A few years back, Citroën put out this commercial featuring its new C4 showing off its dance skills [warning: youtube video]. If you could throw Soundwave into the mix, it would be one hell of a party.